[Trying] to embrace uncertainty

The difference between teaching and most other jobs is that you are able to secure a job and give your two weeks notice. Knowing that I would not be teaching in the fall brings the reality that I need to find a job. I won’t be spending the summer doing this in my classroom to prepare for next year…

Let’s paint a picture here. The summer after high school comes college, then after college (for me) was Teach for America, and now I have this “random” year between now and when I hope to begin graduate school.

A major part of me would love to just travel, explore, and visit friends. But the reality is, I still have much to do when it comes to making sure my application is ready for the fall and let’s be honest – a teacher’s salary does not leave much wiggle room for adventures. My adventures are road trips because they are affordable and flexible.

Here has been my predicament for the past few months: it is hard to find a job when you currently cannot up and leave your own. It is equivalent to searching for an apartment when you still have 3 months lease on your own. Every job I see that is accepting current applicants is also a job that I cannot apply to because I have a contract to finish.

I spent a lot of time mapping out what needed to be done this summer. This led to those uneasy night’s sleep and late nights that I alluded to in the previous post. In January, it was easier to find classes that worked and pockets of time to fit in my schedule when I knew there was an accompanying salary. When I look to plan for the summer, my mind drew a blank because it appeared overwhelming to “look for a job” I couldn’t apply for, while trying to figure out when I would be able to take the last class I needed and get my observational hours of physical therapy.

Exhale.

I’ve always had the next step waiting. The uncertainty of things becomes a reality when friends ask me what I am doing next year and I give them an “I have an idea, but I’m not sure.” For those who know me, that is a tough answer to give. Some joke about it – the fact that even I do not have it figured out. As much as I laugh back, it weighs heavily on my mind.

And that is where my mind has been for the past week. Spring break is upon us and I told myself at the beginning of this that I would use that time to work through what was next on the agenda – aka summer and next year plans.

I apologize if this was a purely venting post, but I feel better just writing about it. I know that there is beauty in the uncertainty of things and everything will work out, but I wanted to acknowledge that everything weighed heavy on my mind. As my roommates boyfriend just told me, “Blog it out biatch.”

Not sure if my blog title rings any truer than now.

But, I’m shining on because this time next week I will be looking at this…

and doing this…

Ragnar Relay 2010

[I’m in race medal withdrawal!]

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